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LAST UPDATE: December 16, 2002
On 12/16/02 1:21 PM, "Laura L Monroe" <llmonroeucb@hotmail.com> wrote: Hello all my friends, I really miss all of you. It is cold here in wyoming. Much different then the bay area. My legal battles continue w/my kid's dad. We have yet to be "unmarried" aye. Last August he filed false charges on me and I am working on getting that straightened out.I was in Jail! :( . Now more then ever I believe that jail does not produce positive contributing members of society. It was very traumatizing, the good part was that I lost a lot of weight. I could start a new weight loss program call it "Being fatally attracted, the Laura Lee diet." Real Results!!! I have an Erin Brocovich advocate and I am back in my house, which he hasnt made a house payment on in 6 months, can u say Forclosure?? I have to get $1400 by the end of the month, I have $400, LOL I need a rich uncle I never met aye. I am doing contract work but ummmmmmmmmmmm I worked myself out of a job (damn shoulda kicked back a little)lol, Let's see I bought a 1991 Toyota Tercel on my bday. Just have to get all those berkeley stickers on the back window. I am doing pretty well considering that I was graduating May 17 2003. Man, Anyway, I am returning to UC Berkeley to finish what I started, I plan to kick ass. My past time is spent researching, reading on social welfare. I have some really great news, My 3 year old daughter "Jewel" was returned to me 15 months after her dad abducted her from me. I have sole custody at least until we go to divorce court. She is very happy, Won't let me out of her sight. Her dad refuses to give up her clothes, that I bought and carseat. So I got her with what she was wearing but she had on her little red Elmo pullover that I had just given her a week before. She wears it every day, I get in big trouble when I wash it. My friend has helped. She bought her some clothes. When She is sleeping by me, it's okay that I am not at Berkeley, that my life refuses to follow the path I set out on. She is my Christmas, and I give thanks to the creator for bringing her back to me. For new years, I am planning on going to see a very special person in my life. He has been there for me everytime I needed someone to listen, to say "Laura Lee U will make it thru this" AND he has long hair. LOL For reals tho, He means a lot to me. Other News, A White Supremecist church is moving to my town Lucky us, My dad is now living in Oregon with my sister, so I really am on my own. I plan to move somewhere by March, then back to Cali in August even tho I cant start school again until Fall 04. I need to re-establish my CA residency. So I 'll be looking for a job in the bay area so keep me in mind. I want to say how much your frenship means to me. Have a great Christmas and Write back. Love & friendship, blue M&M's and stairs, Laura Lee On 8/19/02 12:49 PM, "Laura L Monroe" <llmonroeucb@hotmail.com> wrote: Tous ba's, I am writing from Wyoming. I need to say that the response I received from my "bathtub ordeal" was overwhelming. Some of you shared how my stuggles have helped you through very difficult times, and I want to say that your encouragement and being there for me will always be a part of who I am. I will not hear on my appeal until later, by october 19, but I have decided to return to my people for at least a year. I need to step back and allow myself to heal before attempting to complete my MSW degree. I miss my children terribly and feel that it is crucial to rebuild my relationship with them, and I cannot do that if I am 1000 miles away. I have applied for several jobs and most likely will be working in child protection. I am planning on completing a couple classes here at the community college, Arapaho Language and Power Point Presentation- so that I can talk with the elders and give kick ass presentations at the same time. I love UC-Berkeley and hope to return at a later time when I can place all my energies into contributing to the school. I am considering running for our tribal council-once a politician, always a politician I guess. I love the thrill of the chase and I am a GOOD politician. My son ran for student senate in the sixth grade, we had made a deal, He said, "Mom if you run for school board, I will run for student council". I ran, it was very intimidating, My name LAURA LEE MONROE was on the election ballot and it went to the polls. I was thinking, "what am I doing?" But I took my very old dad over to the voting booths ( he was so proud, u would have thought I was running for president,LOL)and alot of people came up to me and said, "ur a good person, you are disabled and you have done so much for the community" At that moment I felt cherished. So after I made it, it was my boys turn and he was worried about his campaign speech, I told him to just be honest, tell them what he planned to get done (Dances and snacks for the athletes)and I bought him 2 bags of caramel-apple suckers to hand out. Later he told me that he just threw the suckers out in the crowd when he finished his speech. LOL, cool guy enit? I plan to advocate at both the state and federal government level for ndn rights, child rights, disability rights. I am an activist at heart, I always will be. At any rate, I am a better person for the year that I did attend Berkeley. The decision to return to my reservation was very heartbreaking, the ocean, the people on the streets of Berkeley, the total acceptance I experienced upon my first visit to the school, the friendships made, I gained a brother from the cheyenne tribe, I carry all of these memories with me. I have much work ahead of me as I "find myself" Yesterday, I played teacups ( I only had gatorade) w/my 3 year old baby. At this time in my life, I need to be with my kids. I need to not only heal, but to grieve over the loss of family members- someday I will be able to cry. I have not given up my dream of UC-Berkeley ( I am hoping that my parking place will be waiting for me)and when I return, I am going to leave my mark. I am going to be the powerful dynamic student that I am capable of being. As many of you know, I am writing a book, my autobiography. The title is, at this time, "The courage to find my own strength" This web page has shown me that I really need to finish the book. I am no saviour, I can't even sail thru Berkeley, aye, But I came across a picture of me when I was about 8 years old playing w/my brother, I have a dirty face, my hair is fixed as fashionable as a dad can do,aye. My clothes don't match. But I look happy in the picture (I don't remember it being taken). I look at the little girl smiling back at me and I think, "you made it" Out of the poverty, the alcoholism, the abuse and dysfunctional environment. I know now why the little girl is smiling, why her eyes are so bright, because she had faith that she would, there was no doubt in her mind. There is no doubt in mine. I have made it, and I will continue to succeed. Yes, my relationship with my high-school sweetheart is damaged irrepairedly, (man he was FINE back in the day,LOL, he bought me blue shoestrings and gummi-rats) But I am thankful for the good times and I wish him well. Yes, my boys are very angry at me, but the love I have for them is unconditional. Yes the person that meant more to me then I can ever express was killed in a violent car crash, but I know that she lives on and that the faith she had in me continues. Yes, my Berkeley quest wasn't all glory and I didnt ohhhh and ahhhhh like in my undergrad days (I was 4.0 Laura,aye) but I will complete my MSW in the creators time not mine. YES, I am disabled, I walk with my trusty crutches. And it is my disability that has given me the determination to do all the crazy things I have done. I will always be disabled, it is who I am. I still don't understand why people don't take the stairs instead of the elevator. I would race up and down those corridors until I passed out, aye. Last Febuary, My friend and I went to a native wellness conference in Reno, There were escalators and elevators and he was like, "Come on Laura, I'm taking you on the escalator." I was hesitant, but he grabbed me and jumped on. It was so cool. To be with everyone else, to be normal. People don't realize the experiences they take for granted. So this is my last "Arapaho Woman at Berkeley" entry. Thank you all for your support, your jokes. You can email me if you wish to keep in touch. Many friends are very hurt by this direction I have taken, please don't be. I just need a private life at this time. Need to sweat, eat alot of fry bread, enjoy the company of friends, listen to my aunties (there's one that has to approve of all guy friends, lol she USUALLY does)I need to work for the best interests of my people. Mostly, I need to kiss my baby's owies, brush her hair. watch my 13 year old son play sports and listen to my 10 year old boy become indignant when I answer his questions with, "I don't know" (but mom! you went to Berkeley, what do you mean, you don't know). Take the stairs once in awhile, follow your heart. I did and I have no regrets. Embrace love and never let go. With Love, Friendship and Blue M&M's, Laura Lee I need to Hahou, Laura Lee Monroe
On 7/15/02 6:29 PM, "Laura L Monroe" <llmonroeucb@hotmail.com> wrote: Tous Ba's, I haven't forgot about you all. I am back on the rez for now, our Sundance just concluded, got to see old friends. The thing I noticed about Arapaho's is that, we may scatter to the four winds, but we always come home every summer. Our traditions ground us, our strength carries us through, our humor warms each other and we are a happy people, secure in who we are. My kids spent the month of June in Cali with me. It was a joyous, trying time. I have lost so much in my "Bezerkeley Quest" but I have also gained so much. I am so thankful for the experiences I had, even the tough times shaped me into who I am. I became really physically ill in the spring, as a result of major depression. I was fatigued, unable to concentrate, I didn't feel sad or anything. I also had a lot of guilt about being at Berkeley, when I tell people that, they are confused. But natives know exactly what I mean. I self-sabotaged my success and I must say that I did a hell of a good job at it, LOL. Anyway, my academics suffered greatly. My internship went well but the academic part is what is counted on the G.P.A. SO, at this time, my educational future is critically ill, aye. There was a recommendation that I been dismissed from grad school. I am not tripping, I am appealing, LOL. I know that I am a competent social worker. I am also on hella anti-depressants, which have brought me back from the undead. Man, depression really kicked my ass. That's what I get for acting immortal. One time I was bathing and went to get out of the tub, however my arm muscles were very painful and weak from sliding into home base a couple days earlier. I could not get out of the tub. I tried and tried, but my arms were on strike, mad about kissing the concrete earlier. My legs were acting like I had Cerebral Palsy. At first, I was not too alarmed, but after an hour and a half of struggling, things became crystal clear. I was trapped in my body. I realized that I was completely and utterly helpless and I thought to myself, "God here I am stuck in a F****** bathtub." My brother was in the other room, but there was no way in hell I would allow him to see me naked. So I quit trying to get out and just accepted that I was trapped. It was like, "Okay, my marriage fell apart, my kids hate me, I am at the top grad school in the nation and I fucked that up, people get frustrated that I don't perform to my ability, my bills are never paid on time and look at me, How am I supposed to get it all together when I can't even get out of the tub?" Then I laughed at the irony. Then I "reassessed" the situation (my engineering frens would have been proud of me) I relaxed every muscle I had and meditated, I felt like Tina Turner. She had Ike, I had the tub LOL. I pictured myself rising out of the water, aye the water fell off me and my arms AND legs pulled me out. Having had a "vision" I set out on being released from Alcatraz. I put every ounce of determination into my battered arms and I got out! Freedom never felt so good. I realized that the whole 2 hour ordeal had importance, which is why I am sharing it with you. All of us will reach a moment in time when we are clearly shown how helpless we are, but we can achieve, we have inner-strength, WE CAN GET OUT OF THE BATHTUB. Chay, kinda got distracted there, telling you bout my nakedness, (in every way). I went to the graduation ceremony for the NDN graduates last May. It was beautiful, awesome and empowering. We had raised money all year to buy Pendleton blankets for the Graduates. The staff of both the undergrad and grad Native American student services are soooooo under-paid, under-appreciated. Their commitment just blows me away. For those of you who have worked or dealt with Native students, you know exactly what I mean. (Yes, I have called the ndn services coordinator in the middle of the night for a ride, because I was stranded at the bus station and she quickly responded I might add) Most of the Native graduates were alone, their families unable to afford to make the trip. I decided that later in life when I am well endowed with bucks, I am going to set up a fund for the sole purpose of the families being able to see their graduate being draped with a Pendleton. I took two summer classes, trying to offset my spiral. They went really well. One was Human Sexuality, Now you take a class like that at Berkeley no less, taught by a male marriage counselor and you are bound to be awed. LOL, and I was. We discussed everything. The only thing that we didn't really touch on was how sexual, people with disabilities are. Guess I will have to be a guest lecturer, aye. I did learn that children with divorced parents are more well-adjusted if even one parent is healthy, the children whose parents are together but are miserable. So that relieved some anxiety. I have to be true to myself. For too long, I did what was expected of me. I tried to keep the family unit together at all cost and in the end everyone paid. My 13 year old is going thru a lot, in Cali we talked, and I tired of trying to explain. Finally I said, "Son, you know how your dad treated me" and he said," Yes, and why didn't you tell anyone?" Man, I had no answer. I was like why didn't I? Who did I think I was helping by being silent? My kids are much wiser then I gave them credit for. It is hot here, I drive like I'm still in Cali. On the back of my rez pony, I have several bumper stickers, "Cal", "UC BERKELEY" some feathers, a gathering of nations pow wow sticker , "Live your Dreams" and "Free Leonard Peltier" (of course). People react in different ways. One guy gave me a thumbs-up, some wave, some pass me then cut in front of me. And my favorite is when we play tag, weaving in and out of traffic, trying to lose the other. My adrenaline pumps. I usually win. I will get busted someday, but for now I am in for the ride. I hope your summer is what you want it to be. I am at peace. Berkeley is still my greatest aspiration, but it is just one piece of who I am. Thank you for your words, your sense of humor. Be sure to say hi to people you don't know,smile,laugh and embrace Love. Peace, Laura Lee
May 15, 2002 Good afternoon my ba's, Well I been thru my first earthquake.I used to always worry about having one when I first moved here. I would think, "I am going to fall down." But then I realized, that I fall down all the time anyway :) Some things I have learned while being in cali, It's perfectly normal to park in the middle of the street,put those flashers on and people go around u.-In wyoming, you would get hit within a second. Street people are part of the environment and they tell u what they need that money for. I gave this street chief 5 bucks, he needed $50 for a woman he said. I valued his honesty. Driving in 8 lanes of traffic isn't that bad, as long as you got a working blinker. You have to be rude and/or bold to get onto the street. People expect rudeness so they don't get mad back, usually. If you are courteous, and stop to let people in (like I do) they are so shocked that u stopped, that they just sit there. Meanwhile the cars behind u are honking angrily. Never leave change on your dashboard. Plan at least an hour to travel 4 miles. People make their own right-turning lane, just go with it. Pedestrians are like ants, they are everywhere. They never break stride even when you almost hit them. Finding parking is a small miracle from God, give thanks. What everyone knows as a "California stop" is called a Texas Roll by police here, but we know, it's a Cali stop. Ndn's are ndn no matter where they live. Their door is open to anyone needing a place to sleep. Always have 2 dollars stashed, u never know when u might end up crossing the bridge. Keep your trash can covered, ants outnumber people here. Seeing blue hair or stepping over people sitting on the sidewalk praying or having a flyer shoved in your hand about a party that ends when everyone falls down is all quite normal. :) I am taking the time to ask you to help in Leonard Peltier's fight to be free. I had told myself that if I made it to Berkeley I would do everything within my power to help Leonard. I know that he is not guilty, the FBI have admitted that they don't know who the real criminal is. People ask me why I joined the Peltier fight for freedom and I think to myself, How could I not? I think about my own two sons and know that as natives our boys are not safe from wrongful imprisonment. Leonard is sick, he needs to be home. The time has come for us to not look away,but to raise our eyes and speak up. I think about when I was a young girl. I spent huge amount of time in Shriners Hospital.It was a horrible ordeal. The nurses were cruel. The staff stole the toys given to us then blamed the mexican and ndn kids. I witnessed all of this. one time when I was 17 I just had surgery earlier that day and was violently ill from the gas used, sometime in the nite I rang the nurse saying I was going to vomit. She never came and I ended up vomiting on the bed right by my head. I rang again, no one came. I pulled off my blanket and folded it up and covered the soiled sheet with it. That blanket stayed there for 2 days until my aunt came to visit. It was she who changed the bed. In all my misery, I remember looking out my window, desperately longing for the freedom on the other side. I would wait until a bird or butterfly flew by and say a prayer real quick so that it could take it to someone that could help me. When you are not the one locked up like Leonard or laying in your own vomit like me, you forget how powerful humans are. It is up to us to demand that we no longer be ignored. Now days, I tell myself, that Shriners is better, that they don't keep little bolivian kids for 2 years without any parental contact. It has to be better right? Staff came out and told me that I was nothing, that I would always be nothing. Every time I went back for another operation, I was automatically put in Isolation, just in case I had lice. When kids cried in the middle of the nite they were taken, bed and all down the corridor to a day room and shut in until the morning shift came on. I was always making that damn trip. Have a nightmare, wake up crying and down the hall I went, but I did not go quietly. I raged at the nurses. my voice echoing. My dad like other parents was aware but, Shriners provided free care. They could not risk losing the medical care. Anyway, Ur probably thinking DAMN Laura Lee, I don't want to hear about that ****. LOL, me either. But it's real, Leonard needs our help. I have been communicating directly with the LPDC, staying to stay aware of what's occurring. There are few happy memories about Shiners's, I got to meet Bert and Ernie. At Christmas, Santa flew in on a helicopter. The last time I was there, when I was 17, my boyfriend called me (he later became my husband) and the nurse aid let me recieve the call- Calls were prohibited- we were allowed one call to home a week. Saturdays afternoons we really lined up to make our call, we were given 10 minutes. If we committed a crime, like my raging, we lost our 10 minutes. LOL. I used to be like,"Take it, take it all" Man I was bad. Well I need to get back on my research. Next year I'm Researching Historical Trauma of American Indians. I plan to show how colleges especially community colleges fail native students BIG TIME. Then the faculty sit back and say, "I did my job, those ndns need to get their priorities straight, deadlines are for a reason." I mean look at retention rates of Natives students and yet the colleges pocket that money. How many schools require their professors to learn about the students they teach? Yes NDN students have to do the work, we all know that, they know that. The Schools need to do their work too. providing an 8'x10' student room is not enough. Colleges should receive funding based on retention rates. Even if they hire an "Advisor, coordinator, etc" what are they paying that person??? That right there indicates their commitment to serving "those underserved populations" Why isn't more natives hired? or more people with disabilities? When I was on the school board back home, I had to fight to get our tribal teacher's hired. It was crazy, our tribal member's would get a BA degree in teaching and our school administration NEVER recommended them for the position. As a board we were always told that we could not question our superintendent, we were not supposed to MICRO-MANAGE. (slap, slap). You know me. I would call for an executive meeting and once those doors closed, my boxing gloves were on -aye. I would point out that we tell our students to get that education, then when they do we don't hire them. Oh we hired natives, as our cooks and janitors if they were really lucky, they got to be a bus driver! The administration would say, "They have no experience!" I would reply, "Good, they will learn right with the students" But this teacher that lives 250 miles away, has done amazing things" "That's good" I reply, "Let them keep doing it, we have native teachers who have the credentials, who grew up right here, who not only know the culture but are a part of the community." I always ended the boxing match with, "We have a responsibility to hire the best person for the job, we owe that to our kids, As the school Board of this District, we have to be the first to listen to what we preach. If we don't value the tribal members struggle to get that education, why are we here? KO They were glad when I resigned I think, some of those members have been on there16 years. But at least NDN teachers are working at that school :). I'm going to the ocean too. Peace, Laura Lee
May 14, 2002 Subject: I felt the Earth move XOXO NO not that way! I did feel the earth move LOL. I was sitting here at this computer visiting with my Cheyenne fren we were telling scarey ndn stories. My chair wobbled and I was like, Hey! U feel that? He said noooo, I said hey there it is again! He laughed, thought I was tryin to scare him. Well, Hell must be my imagination. bout an hour later my bro calls from his snags house, U feel that Earthquake? pops out of his mouth. I was like YES! I KNEW IT! and here LK was thinking my studying finally drove me nuts. I am talking loud and excitedly (I'm a rez skin remember?, this is better then running outside after a drive-by) I call a fren, she was sleeping and don't care. I'm like wow, I been thru an earthquake. I know that they are dangerous and nothing to be gleeful about. But I have experienced an earthquake. Very important developmental milestone in becoming a Cali person, Next time, I will be all nonchalant,"oh, again?" (yawn). This morning, I woke up smiling, cuz I felt the earth move. Peace. That crazy ndn girl way over there
May 12, 2002 Happy Mother's Day, Even if you are a male, happy Mother's day. This is the weekend of Stanford pow-wow. I went Friday night. But yesterday and today had Laura, U better get your projects finished- wrote all over them. My time owns me, instead of me owning it. That was the first time I had been to Stanford. The campus is beautiful. I was in awe. My 13 year old son wants to attend Stanford (at least he use to) so I had done some research in the past regarding retention rates of American Indian students. Stanford has amazing resources and support staff for native students. Stanford is Cal's rival, I'm going against the norm here:). For me, UC Berkeley is a better fit. Because Cal promotes critical, independent thinking. Sometimes I have to shake my head, because it seems to me that if the students don't color within the lines -like parking in the ˜correct, appropriate designated space- we are reprimanded, and yet we are at Berkeley, WE ARE Berkeley. To me it seems, Students are taught, we are ingrained, to challenge injustice. I mean like my professors, they're cool, I think highly of them, however they don't just stand in front of the class and preach social work, one time we had a panel of women who had been crack-addicted while pregnant. Listening to them I had to fight the urge to go off on them, I wanted to slap them lol. Another time, the students had to write down a painful secret, then the secrets were put in a box and another student had to read it like it was their secret (role playing). The purpose was to see how it felt to have another person talk about your pain. I was like DAMN. All of us students are close, we bond and now I understand why :). In my fairy tale dream of being a UC-Berkeley Grad student, I would have got straight A's, My family would send me flowers and balloons, oh and care-packages. My hair would flow around me as I was driving the freeway. Professors would beam at the mention of my name. Every morning I would wake up feeling valued, a smile on my face. My life would make sense. It's a beautiful picture huh? In reality, I am barely making it. I have requested incompletes. I am recovering from severe depression. I don't feel sad or anything just that I was totally exhausted. Then I would be angry at myself for being unable to perform. It's a vicious cycle. For a real long time I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't even focus long enough to read. My short-term memory was gone. I was able to do my field-work and that helped. For some reason, being here in Berkeley has brought all my issues to the surface. My husband was not keen on the idea of me attending such a high-caliber school. I knew this. I also knew that this kind of an opportunity is a one in a lifetime chance for anybody. The fact that I have a disability, that American Indians comprise the smallest student body at Cal and all other major universities made it that much more meaningful. So we relocate here. My boys attend the local schools. They are in amazement of all the different people. My 12 year old says to me while we are driving in the car, "Mom we get treated good at restaurants" He laughs because Caucasians are not the dominant faces he sees (don't be offended, in his world this is a reality). I start school, my husband is moody, stating, You didn't need to be any better then you were. He is a classical guitarist, he had been invited to audition for Julliard when we were in high school. I tell him to hook up with other musicians. So I attend classes, feeling completely disoriented, few students have spouses or children. I keep to myself. About 2 weeks after 911. It is a Tuesday, my longest day at school. Our relationship has become strained and violent. Neither one of us will give an inch. As an Arapaho husband, he feels shamed that I wasn't satisfied with my life on the rez. As an Arapaho woman, I refuse to apologize for coming here to Berkeley. My days are spent being a student. My nights are spent in vicious arguments. My kids lie in the other bedroom, hearing it all. I have always been stubborn and my husband knows that I will not give in. Which infuriates him, causing me to raise my eyes to him. Challenging him to break me. We are native. We have learned well. My refusal to lower my eyes forces him in a corner. When I come home that Tuesday evening, his truck is gone and I knew. I walk into the apartment, they are gone. He has loaded up my kids and taken them back to the rez. I walk from room to room, moving toys, picking up my baby's diaper bag. I sit down, realizing that standing my ground has brought me to this. I keep going to class, impersonating that I am complete. Few know the truth. I mean why say anything? Who gets abandoned like that? All in the name of education. I have got concert tickets to a hip-hop concert. Taking my brother. I'm not really into hip-hop but I have not went to any concerts. How can I be in the bay area and not go to at least one concert? When I see limo's I always wave. Just in case it's a Celeb. I am very angry at myself for not performing at the level that I know I am capable of. My professors have let me get through this, most of them. I wonder if other native or minority students have had this happen where personal issues come face to face with you when you go to grad school. I keep thinking why now? I'm busy being a social worker I have no time for pain or healing.Oh yeah, I completed my social worker internship. It was good experience. My empathy for social workers rose an inch or two. My research is on the Indian Child Welfare Act. There was an ICWA conference at San Francisco state last month, it was very powerful. Even now, we has natives, are losing our children to the states. People think it doesn't happen today. It does. Tribes MUST be actively involved in these cases and not give away their power. People get angry when I advocate ICWA. I see the children 20 years later that were taken from their family, their tribe. They are forever lost to themselves. They return to the rez but are unable to assimilate. Their families welcome them with open arms but these "lost children" have never learned attachment. So when you see street chiefs, think about the importance of cultural identity. Well my ba's , I haven't given u much "Berzerkeley experiences" this time. I did get to see a protest :). That was hella cool. Really pulled out my lawn chair and kicked back while they marched by. Some Cal students have been charged cuz they were protesting, so they were protesting the charges. Something skins would do aye. I want to say ha-hou to all of you. When I get homesick, I go to Walmart. This has been a very hard year, probably the toughest year I have had-yet. I have been to sweat and prayed for every one of u. The creator knows what he is doing. All my struggles, failures and good times are for a reason. You all help me and I hope I can do the same for you. Take time to visit people. Last time I was home, I went to Walmart :). My friend and her husband were there, he was always a real decent peep, he would visit my dad and they would talk bible stuff all day. I hadnt seen him in a real long time bout 2 years. He said hi and I told him to give me a hug. Then I jetted on my way. Last Month, his wife calls me at 5:30 a.m. (I'm already up, pulling an all-niter) and says that he just died. He had been in a work-related accident. Of course I felt bad, but now I am just thankful that I talked with him that day and that we embraced. Since then, I am a lot more affectionate with friends and relatives. So u all go hug ur friend or snag :). The creator has been good to me. I have a "goot" guy, aye. He be Southern Arap w/ a lil Cheyenne, lol. (Can't break my oath) He is hella cool. He is in Okla, and we are still learning about each other, He respects that I have healing to do. He supports my being at Berkeley. We are snail-mailing(feel like Little House on the Prairie, it's cool) and he has long hair aye. I'm getting too revealing, lol. I'm just enjoying the day, one day at a time. Peace, Laura Lee
May 1, 2002 Good afternoon my ba's, Happy May day, My dad used to really celebrate May day, buy me a little toy or candy. Now people look at me like I am from another planet when I talk about May day. It is sunny today. I went to the UC Berkeley powwow last Saturday. Still not really used to Cali Pow Wows but it's good to meet up with friends. When the sun dropped it was freezing. I told my friend, "I thought Cali was supposed to be warm" I am behind on my classes, taking some incompletes while I get my act back together. I just been hella tired. Feel like I broke through a thin piece of Ice and every time I start getting out, the piece I am leaning on breaks off and I am right back in the ice-cold water. I am on my fourth counselor (LOL) The last one didn't understand why I didn't just quit and go home. I wonder if she has ever been in my position? It's not like I can leave and come back later. Like other natives, this is a one-time shot for me. I had to meet with the Dean (scary) regarding my inability to focus and produce. They were very human and also laid out how I can get back on track. The reason I am sharing my devastation is because even though many people feel that I have few real hardships, (I mean I am not addicted to anything but chat) and I have managed to achieve the goals I set out for myself. I gain strength from you all. I really miss my kids, that the basis of my "inner-child" trauma. Their dad has them believing that I chose school over them. They are very angry and it's going to take a lot of healing to rebuild their trust in me. The one counselor suggested that I take assertiveness training J. After I replaced her, I think she got the picture. So I am passing up UCLA pow wow to get more papers completed. (See Laura jump, Jump Laura jump) I am planning on having everything done by May 10 so I cant kick up my heals at Stanford Pow-wow. I am planning on back up singing with a drum group from Long Beach. Not much has been occurring aye. Just behaving. I have come to a couple realizations. #1. I am going to get through this (whatever it is) #2. UC Berkeley is just a school. A student committed suicide last month by jumping off a building. That slapped some perspective into me. I am finishing up my social work placement. There are a couple job opportunities but I might just do R&R. I am frustrated that I have to "be one with depression" but I think of my grandmother and her struggles and I think of my friend who died at the age of 23 from cirrhosis. The creator has plans for all of us. He knows our fears, our hopes and our destiny. When I am riding an elevator, I look at the people beside me and sometimes think how I would take the stairs every chance I had if I could. I would run all the way up and all the way back down. Running up staircases will always be out of my reach. But the journey can still be just as rewarding. I have learned, quite painfully, that it's okay to be scared, to reach out. That song "I am a survivor" got me thinking how, we are all survivors. Regardless of where we come from or what race we are. WE ARE HERE. What else do we really need? Each one of us has someone to turn to, maybe an auntie, maybe a cyber snag (aye). Even when we feel completely alone, the blood that pump through our heart is the same blood that ran through our ancestors veins. So when u feel overwhelmed (like me) step back and look at the whole picture. We are not alone. We never were. (Smiling) I am on my "Hey Victor" kick enit? I am really getting into Hip-Hop, what's up with that? Peace Laura Lee
April 19,2002 Niiko'eet (Good Morning) TGIF! Hope this Friday finds you well. It's 4 am and I just got up to complete a paper (with eco-map and genogram<=========social work terms). It has been a hectic week. Monday I got confirmation that I was selected for my 2nd year placement, at my first choice site. So beginning in September, I will be working in the SF Dept of Human Services, with an Indian Child Welfare caseload. I am excited. Starting to feel like I can make it through this. It has been really nice weather,lately. I have been awaking up at 5 am to go outside and burn some Cali sage, while I pray and try not to shiver. It is so nice, right when daylight is breaking through. The flowers all are damp and the birds are jamming. Every day there is snails crossing the sidewalk. They leave little snail prints behind them. :) Yesterday when walking back to my apartment, I had to cross over one of these guys. So I really got down and smudged him too, aye. I prayed that he would have a good snail day and that he (?)appreciate the snailness of himself. While i was making sure the smoke went to him, at first he barely moved his slug body. But his antennae's wiggled. This weekend I am putting up a cone zone while I chalk out a snail cross-walk. :) The other morning, I was burning some sage at my computer desk (can u tell I'm stressed?). I was really blowing on it, trying to keep it going. I had just got a good smoke going, was really thinking my "Oh God help me survive Berkeley" , WHEN this screeching starts. This white light flashes. I realize my fire alarm has heard my prayer. People run around in their under wear, freaking out. Amazingly, I am CALM, still blowing to keep the sage burning. I do wonder if the fire department will show up. Finally, the alarm is disconnected. It was trippy to see underwear clad peeps freaking.(LOL) Yesterday, I went to pick up some lunch at this little Cafe right across from campus. It is like my fave place to eat. They have different soups and give u a tiny loaf of french bread. I always order hot chocolate too. I know the workers well now and sometimes they will throw in a bag of chips or a cookie. I always get my order to go cause, I am a people watcher. I can sit in my rez ride and get a fix before heading back to Cal. Anyway, I was really getting in my pony, this lady walked by, she was walking with difficulty had some kind of disability going on. So she's all checking me out and says "What the hell, your crippled ass doing with a Goddamn car!' (I am like, DAYUM!)I look her straight in the eyes and say,"Driving it, want a ride?" She huffs and continues down the street. I am laughing. Knowing I should be annoyed or hurt or mad. Tonight I am going to a sweat. I'm glad I got invited. Thank you all for writing me back last time. I try to share the complete experience with you. Your perspectives help me see what I otherwise may not see. The other night, there was a dinner honoring a native woman. I didn't even know about it. Dang, there was native celebs there too! Billy Mills was at UC Davis last month. I been hearing ndn singing in my head lately, LOL. Maybe I am going to be Thunder heart (AYE) Our pow wow is April 27. I'm on the committee as a cultural advisor (they had to label my hand gaming as something!) Only 5 weeks of school left. Have a great weekend. AFW
From: "Laura L Monroe" <llmonroeucb@hotmail.com> Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 04:46:54 -0700 Subject: Arapaho woman at Berkeley, 4/15/02 Tous ba's, I gain strength from all your help, insights and humor. (those emails of FINE males go a long way, LOL!) I am going through a metamorphosis. As a result, I am struggling in many ways,it is painful to come out of a relationship, out of the "comfort-zone" that each of us create .Anyway, I have no bitterness, Just a sense of loss, I guess. That song by the judds "My strongest weakness" is where I am at. There are many good memories created. So I consider my marriage a necessary loss. Now I just need to find my own Idenity.I had been fatigued. Unable to concentrate or focus. My short-term memory was gone. I could not sleep, and when I finally would, I had nightmares.I just felt complete numbness. I had never been able to cry over having my kids taken or over my in-laws death. I knew I was falling behind in my classes and that just made the self-hate worse. I just felt very depersonalized, that I was a fraud, That I wasn't really good enough for UC Berkeley and that if people knew my background, they would hate me. Anyways, I knew there was something wrong, cuz usually I am very competitive, on top of things and now I couldn't remember who i had talked to the day before. I don't want to fail on this journey, so I got into Student health.I have to see the dr. weekly. He also wrote a medical excuse for me to give to my professers. Which has helped a lot. Because I had thought I was just being lazy, now I feel a little better. Knowing that this will improve. While home, I made Easter basket for my kids, it felt so good to shop for them. My baby girl just loves me. She really says, "mom, mom." I say how old are u Kissy? She says. "I'm Ten" (just cute, She's 2 and 1/2)and then she say's "I'm in high school" (LOL. I used to say THE EXACT same thing before I even started preschool). Her hair is really long and I fix it every time I'm with her. I had to get a court order to see my kids. MM wouldn't let me see them at all over christmas. Chay, just telling U all my drama enit? Dr. Suess says, don't make any judgement on yourself just Dont!, right now you need to heal and saying ur a loser, u won't!........ So now I am actually eating (ugh). I try to go to bed by 11 pm. I watch videos. I drink a lot of water. Oh yes, I got my hair weaved.I had always wanted the bo derek look, I went to "African Traditions" rite before spring break. The women working there are all from africa. I was the only customer that was not African-American. I was a little apprehensive, but it was cool.The lady that did my hair took no breaks and I sat and alternated between sleeping and wincing at the tightness. The african ladies that worked on our head all faced each other and spoke in a language that I wish I knew. They told great stories I could tell by the laughter erupting. Us, customers, all watch each other's hair transform into tight braids. So I have about 116 braids.I have corn rows in front, ayes. my hair is real long like this(7 hours, yes its my real hair). I like it though. Everyone flipped on the rez:)- I told my lil cousin, "When I come back this summer everyone will have braids" A couple of my frens finally asked when I was going to take them out, so that I could wash my hair. I almost fell over!(Laughing), they thought I never washed my braids (LOL, Dayum). One classmate exclaimed that my hair was "Hella-Cool". Later I was told what "hella" expressed. I'm just a rez woman remember? :) The MSW program is gearing up for 2nd year, I had 2 interviews in Gothem City. I really wanted to work in San Fran, because I don't want to be in the bay area and never really know SF. I figured if I can work there, I can survive anywhere. Besides I have the experience of being the director of 2 tribal programs, nothing can toughen u up like NDN politics. Invaluable skills are acquired when a native with that piece of paper is hired to over-see workers who have been in the same position for 20 years. Things get real, very quickly,( Some things cannot be learned from ANY classroom setting). Oh yeah after the interviews in Frisco, Fours of us students, decided to eat before crossing the bay. Rush hour is a nightmare. It takes me 25 minutes to go 6 miles in non-rush hour traffic. During the RH, it takes about one hour and 15 minutes to go that same 6 miles. So we decided on eating at J town (Japan Town). I really knew my way around,lol my fren said, "Laura is there any place u don't know?" I said, "well I only know this place and the Castro(Gay)district". Castro is cool, lots of places to eat and I always feel safe there. I made to the beach last weekend. It was very calming to me and i said a prayer of thanks to the creator for allowing me to experience the pain, loneliness, the fear of success. the rush of taking risks, breaking through my comfort-zone. Many of my friends don't have the opportunity to see Golden Gate Bridge or the diversity of people walking on Berkeley's famous "Telegraph" Avenue. Many people with disabilities are in the same room seeing the same four walls, forever.All in the name of "Caretaking." Yesterday, there was a small pow-wow and a fellow student was headman dancer. I was so proud of him. The natives at Cal, are all there for each other. Even though we don't focus on it, we understand the sacrifices that we all have made in the name of education and we appreciate one another. There was some Hella keen trad dancers there, I was appreciating the fine arts!aye. I see the street chiefs and shake their hand, happy to see another native in this place that is so far removed from what I know. At times, it hurts to see native people homeless. Because I know that they come from a whole people, a nation, They are someone's son, brother, uncle. I am always humbled to be with them. Street skins are prisoners of a war that none of us take the time to see, let alone fight. The prison is called "living on the streets." I always share what I have, hoping that others will extend friendship to MY brother who had beautiful black hair and could sketch an eagle so real,it looked ready to fly from the paper it was on. People frown and think, "Let them get a job, I WORK FOR MY MONEY!" and while they are busy looking away, they forget to be thankful that they have that a job. That they are not the one who pays the price of stripped dignity. I see their contempt and I pity them, they have yet to truly suffer. Well it's 4 A.M. and I have a project to finish. Pray for me, I am truly in need. How can a person produce and be that "Star student" when they can't kiss their babies owies and don't know what girls have crushes on their son? When the person that was the anchor is talking to u on the phone and later that day is dead? When u go home to see ur 82 year old dad and he doesn't remember u? But I am native and as such, I have strength in me to get through this, my grandparents, parents already made the trail and it is up to me and YOU to follow the path so that our children will know the way. Have a good week, smile and say hi to people u don't know and I will put one foot in front of the other and carry my crutches, aye. (Laughing,sometimes i say to my "machine guns" (labeled as such because at the airport i got pulled out of line twice to do a security check, had to take off my shoes both times, which is a major endeavor, that's what happens when ur a minority with a credit card and kick-ass hair,)"I am so tired of toting u guys,thanks to me u are a jet-setting pair of crutches") Good night and good morning, Laura Lee
From: "Laura L Monroe" <llmonroeucb@hotmail.com> Date: Thu, 21 Mar 2002 16:50:37 -0800 Subject: Arapaho Woman at Berkeley 3/21/02 Tous ba, Well it's spring. Can't believe it's been a year since I first stepped foot on the Cal campus. I remember coming to recruitment day and just in awe of all the people walking around. There was a guy practicing a form of meditation on a sidewalk. Nobody bothered him. People always ask me, why I chose Berkeley? There were many reasons on course, no snow was rite there on top. But the deciding factor was that felt a sense of belonging, I felt like I came home. That after not fitting in anywhere in my entire life, I felt that I was indeed real. Next week is spring break, I am flying home to see my family. The weather is beautiful today. I can't get over how green everything is. Now if I could afford to live here..... My academic life is hectic, working on my research. I am examining how the "fast-track" policy has compromised/impacted ICWA. If any of you are ICWA guru's, please email me. I have great news, regarding my parking battle. My advisors were able to get a parking space reserved for me in our school's lot. Through the advocacy efforts of advisors on my behalf, my need for a place to park has been recognized by the parking and transportation department. I AM REAL. I DO EXIST!!!!!! (I was beginning to wonder there, for a while i was thinking maybe being on crutches makes me like a cartoon character visible but imaginary) So even though I have unpaid parking tickets, which I am never plan to pay, my rez rider doesn't have to be ninja anymore. I am thinking of getting a turtle. A real one. I'm going to name it Sherman Alexie. In honor of Mr. Alexie, (I once named my german shepherd after my sister, funny how Connie didn't appreciate that). I am going to Manhattan beach in the middle of April, for a conference. I am a UC Berkeley representative. Meet me down there, we will have a blast. Ever hear that new song by Pink, "Don't let me get me?" that's my theme song. I have had difficulty in focusing. But I am chasing away the demons, with good meds and the "Little Shop of Horrors" soundtrack. Why is being successful so terrifying? Well I'm hoping to sweat while I'm home. So to my sweat family, my towels are packed. To everyone else, I am here and so are you. Have a great weekend. Arapahoflag Woman
For My Grandmother We are people of strength, faith and perseverance. As our grandparents faced blatant discrimination and our people were stripped of dignity, let us clutch the beauty of who we are. Yesterday. Today. Forever. As our children look to us for guidance, We must continue to have the courage to find our own strength. Stereotypes serve the people that believe them. Refuse to be intimidated. When it all seems to be too hard, too much, Remind yourself where it is that you come from and the struggles that brought all of us, to this point in time. Laura Lee C'Hair Monroe May 2001
Greetings my friends,
Hope this email finds you well. I am in between classes and wanted to let u know that I am still alive. I haven't wrote much, been expected to perform and produce, all I can say is, "What was i thinking?" (smiling). My ambition tends to put me in these situations.
Yesterday was hard, I had pulled an all-niter Sunday nite, working on a project. So my concept of reality was either blurred or crystal, (I'm still not sure which)But I just felt like I must be a little off to be attending grad school, Being Berkeley makes it that more intense, that I do not have a work check coming in every two weeks, that my rent is not ever going away, that I'm really on my own for the first time ever (I mean, am I qualified???) It was like,"What the hell am I doing here?" I'm just one person, a tiny one at that. I finally got a grip, called an on-call "help me through this" friend from back on the rez.
So I made it through, barely. While I'm on the subject of meltdown, I need to share that I have some post-traumatic stress occurring in me, aye sounds clinical. All it means is instead of being numb, like I blissfully was, my brain has moved forward to hurting and healing, damn brain has a mind of it's own.LOL. Meanwhile I am struggling to stay focused and concentrate on my goal of doing this. At times, I think of the street chiefs and ache for what they possess. It was funny cuz, I went to counseling,lol and the lady said, "you need to tell your professors that you are going through a lot right now." I said, "I can't tell them that, I AM A SOCIAL WORKER" She was not amused. So I have had "Migraines" LOL.
It has been hot here, working on my tan. The event we had with Sergio Maldonado went very well. The Law School knows how to have lunch. The turn-out was great. Having a room full of Law students all looking at u is a different experience. I had a pizza get-together at my house the last nite and it was great. Everyone talked to everyone, we all told jokes about other tribes :)
I have started working out. or at least almost. The wellness conference was a very positive experience for me. I made the commitment of an alcohol-free life. Then i was kind of sad, thinking bout those Zima's. But I had been leaning that way for about 3 years and finally the time came. I can still have fun, I just can't do something dumb and say, "well it was the coolers,man". I saw a few people that I knew there too. Handgamers were in da house! We played too, used chop sticks for the sticks and dinner napkins as scarves, had a cardboard box as our drum (never underestimate natives) and the game was on. I sang from the bottom of my stomach and ndns all checked me out, like "who knew?" I was in my element, and my adrenaline pumped with the drumbeat. It was way cool. I also introduced myself to Jim Boyd, a Coleville native who preformed for us all. What is it about Long hair? LOL
Well I haven't really went many places. An friend from back home who is married to a Cali ndn and lives near Redding, spent a couple of nights. We went to Japan town in Gothem city and ate at this place where the grill is built right into the table top. The waitress brought a huge platter of raw meat to us. I had to ask for a fork, but my companions used the chops sticks expertly. I was in awe. After the meal, my friends husband said, I can't believe we rubbed out that whole platter of meat" Val and I looked at each other surprised,we both replied matter-of -factly , "We are Arapaho's"
I am sending a writing and a pic. I wrote it last may for high school kids. The pic is my latest Social worker self. Thanks for being here for me. To my on-call peeps, U don't know how much that calm reassuring voice helps. Have a great day.
Laura Lee
From: "Laura L Monroe" <llmonroeucb@hotmail.com>
Date: Sat, 23 Feb 2002 14:04:00 -0800
To: arapahoflag_woman@yahoo.com
Subject: Arapaho woman at Berkeley 2/22/02
Tous to all my ba's,
Couldn't sleep so I'm writing to u instead. The semester has begun at a hectic pace only to get worse. The honeymoon is over, aye. I am enjoying the challenge immensely. Today was very hot, nice and sunny out. I could smell flowers in the air.
Most of my classes evolve around policy, which is cool. Right up my lane. Also I am beginning a research project, Haven't solidified my topic. Looking at Indian Welfare Welfare Act (ICWA)and how it relates to the "fast track" law (meaning at 12 months, parental rights are terminated and the child is placed for adoption). I am coming to terms with my social worker-self, while I despise the "saviour syndrome", I need to credit my professors for being painfully truthful in the responsibility of social workers. Nothing more dangerous then a social worker on a power trip (laughing).
I am also interested in the topic of "American Indians and Sobriety" At a conference, I once heard that of all ethnic groups , native americans had the highest rate of people choosing not to drink alcohol. In my own experiences, I know many people who just have no desire to drink. It is very intriguing to me.
I jetted home last weekend, my dad has been ill,so wanted to see him. I told him to wait at least until summer before dying, that I couldn't really fit it in till June, he said okay, :) I drove myself back, it was kind of freaky, but cool too, at times I was Thelma and others I was Louise. (Looking for brad pitt aye) Just me and Tom Petty cruisin across Nevada (You got Lucky is THE song). My dad was not amused, that I jetted alone but I told him, "I don't ever want to have to depend on anyone" He just shook his head. Poor guy. I drove straight through, too scared of hotels, lol. The last couple hours were the hardest. I totally respect Donner pass. It took a few hours for my paint to catch up to my rezrider. :) (What can I say?!)
Oh, I finally found a good sweat (no new age portable lodge)It helped me a great deal and I am thankful that the creator came thru for me, again. (He's good at that). I haven't been to the beach, (what's up with that?)
I am heading to reno this sunday, There's a native wellness conference, I'm looking forward to some "wellness". I'll meet u there, okay? How many of u know Sergio Maldonado? He will be here to present on "Law and it's relationship to American Indian sacred sites" in early March. He's an Arapaho from Wind River country and is a Professor at Arizona State University. So I been helping with getting his lecture set up. WISH U WERE HERE!!
Really missed my kids today, Talked to my girl today. She is just cute, kept the phone to herself and walked around jabbering to me for a good 20 minutes. When her brother finally was able to get the phone back, I told him she is a little "Angelica"
So when I feel lost, I seek out the bookstores. They are very comforting to this "Lone reed". When I was about 10, My brothers and I went to a small one room school about 25 miles from where we lived. My dad worked at home as an auto mechanic. He couldn't get away from the motor he was pulling or the guys who came to get their cars fixed right at 3:30 pm so he would have us wait at the public Library, one block down. We spent many, many afternoons reading books. The librarians were very patient with us. It was a wonderful way to end the day. When I think of it now, it's incredible. In today's world, we could be considered "neglected". My dad raised us on his own. He is an amputee (lost one leg)and I remember how I would listen for the click-click of his crutches to know that he was nearby.
Quick update on my creative parking. I met with the Disabled students program. They are trying to help, they really are, it's just that I'm not good at complying, aye. I mean if I followed the rules, I wouldn't be at Berkeley right? I'd be in an institution, getting paid 11 cent an hour to make shoelaces,Damn. I got ANOTHER parking ticket, cuz when I got back from break, there were lots more metal barriers in place to keep out my rez beast. They are chained down even, I was like, Cool, didn't know I had this much power, they're pulling out all stops now. So i made my own parking place, I had to park somewhere! My school of Social welfare is actively advocating for me. Of all things to spend my energy on. SAD!
Well my frens, sweat brothers & sisters, crazy cuzin's (U kno who u are)Ha-hou for standing by my side, I couldn't be here without your support and craziness.
Laura Lee
From: "Laura L Monroe" <llmonroeucb@hotmail.com>
Date: Fri, 18 Jan 2002
Subject: Arapaho Woman at Berkeley 1/18/02
Hello my friends,
I have missed you all. Hope this letter finds you in good health and joyful happiness. I returned to Wind river for the holidays, got to visit my kids. They are becoming their own little selves and it was great spending time with them.
I returned to the bay area last Saturday. I was anxious to get back. I don't necessarily like the Laura Lee that I am on the rez. She's cool but gets caught up in the moment :)
I just got to see the olympic torch and runner. He ran right past our office here in Oakland. Lots of people in the street. I was really cheering, You would have been proud of me,aye. I was Reprezentin YOU. I didn't bring my camera today because I always have it and these peeps be thinking i'm the pavoratzzi.
It is beautiful today. Sunny and around the 50's My friend said this is the cold weather time. I was like "cool beans" Wore trunks yesterday. My brother came back out with me, which is cool. He drove all but 50 miles on the way back, I was tired from too much rezzing,lol
I start school Tuesday. Kind of excited, it's dawning on me that I am at Berkeley(finally huh?). I plan to make the most of it. I am not doing an assistant-ship this semester, after a lot of hard thinking. i decided to focus more on myself (I know I have abs somewhere)
For reals, I realized that I need to not book myself so much. I am way mean to myself and I need to chill. Take time to breath. Which reminds me that I went out to the ocean down at half moon bay, it's a drive but it's well worth the trip. When you come out, I'll take u there okay? We will build a campfire and listen to the waves and sing kumbaya, (u better sing too). My co-workers think I'm crazy cuz I go out to the beach. They are like, "Laura it's winter time, it's cold out there" I look at them and have to fight the urge to slap them....... I mean the weather has nothing to do with being at the ocean. (Cali people, man)
I am going to Oregon tonight, going to go see my older siblings.I have to get back that crazy cali driving, I kind of got a conscience back after being in Wyoming. Oh yeah, wanted to tell you, that I am taking Russian Language as a learning experience. Trying to challenge myself.
I am forwarding a Peltier attachment. Please read it. Leonard needs all of us. Many people ask me why I am a "peltier woman" and I guess it's because I have children.
Have a restful Martin Luther King Day, I appreciate your words of encouragement and your good stories. My father in Law loved the Olympic games, one year, he was really watching them on TV and got inspired to do sit-ups, his back was out for a week, lol. I'm glad I got to see the torch passed.
Eagle pride,
Laura Lee
From: "Laura L Monroe" <llmonroeucb@hotmail.com>
Date: Thu, 06 Dec 2001 16:54:35 -0800
Subject: Arapaho woman at Berkeley, 12/6/01.
Good morning all my friends,
Just a short note to let u all know that I am way stressed. LOL. This is last week of classes, finals next week. I have wrote a ton of papers and case studies, I feel like the DSM IV is my spouse :0) (for u peeps who are lucky enough not to know what DSM stands for, be thankful).
It has rained non-stop here, and when I say rained I am not talking in Wyoming terms of a five minute sprinkle. It is a never ending downpour. While I miss the sun, I figure that the city and streets need a bath and this is how its happens. Away with the smog, now if only these Cali people realized that going 70 miles per hour when U are enveloped in mist isnt the brightest combination. I would love to see them drive in a wyoming winter, it would be like the Bambi movie.
I am starting to feel more social worker-y, and I am like dayum. well long as I keep the human in it, I should be okay( U all know my feeling about social workers, LOL) Had a nice thanksgiving, ate with the other native family here in the complex. They have been a lifesaver during this adventure. Tried to go up in the Campanile, a trademark of UCB, it's supposed to be the 3rd highest tower in US or in the world, I can't remember. Anyway it is closed as a result of 911. So I have to wait.
My brother is here for now, he came back with me after the funeral haven't even took him many places, he has discover chat, aye and plays cyber pool. I hope to connect him to the indian urban center in Gothem city (San Franscisco)before heading back to Wind River. My other bro out here is a street chief and I haven't caught up to him, yet.
I got elected to the research committee in our school of Social work, I love research although I don't usually admit it. I went to the ocean a couple of times, one beach in Gothem City, I can't drive in that place without getting lost, plus the drivers are way impatient and honk immediately if U hesitate, Oakland drivers are much more laid back, and Berkeley drivers are the coolest(Laughing), people just park where ever , like in the street! I am famous for this, just pull up next to the place I want to go into, put on my flashers, get off and do my errand then return, hop in, pull into traffic and turn off flashers. The cool thing is that the other drivers don't care, they just change lanes. As long as u don't get caught ur okay. But that's true bout everything.
The surgeon general was here, he is applying for a position in Public health I heard. My battle with the UCB parking people rages on. I don't worry bout it. I came to Berkeley for other things. I went to Alcatraz Island for "Things Taken" day There was a sunrise ceremony, I got up at 3 a.m. (I know) the first ferry left at 4:30. I have never seen so many natives in one place at one time. They had like 5 trips of tons of people. It was a learning experience, very new agey, with non-native burning sage and watching on trying to be at one with the earth and the natives visiting each other, not really paying attention to the mystical aspect,:).
On the ferry ride back across the bay, I asked my friend,"why do they hold the NDN ceremonies at Alcatraz? I mean it's an old prison" He was like Damn Laura Get a clue, U thought that it was because of the prison?, alcatraz is holy to the Cali Indians way before there was a prison there.
Ohhhhhhhh,...(it makes much more sense to my little Wind River NDN brain now)I don't eeeven like Alcatraz, I mean I can literally feel the oppression and the misery that took place there.
I discovered a book store in Berkeley, called the Revolutionist, I think. anyway I felt like I was in heaven, it is a cool place, all about activism "our grief is not a cry for War" They didn't have too much on Leonard Peltier, they said they keep selling out, Which is a good sign. I'll be glad when he is free so that I can move on to another human rights cause.
Well I have a long day ahead. Please pray for me. I have struggled to keep focused. With my in-laws death, it is like I am unable to concentrate. Plus I miss my kids alot.
I have to keep myself from self-sabotaging my own success. I don't react to anything until it's in a crisis mode,(disconnect notices are a great motivator,lol).
Thanks for your friendship.
Arapahoflag_woman.
From: "Laura L Monroe" <llmonroeucb@hotmail.com>
Date: Thu, 15 Nov 2001 23:49:37 -0800
Subject: Arapaho woman at Berkeley- 11/15/01
Hello my ba's (friends)
Well I haven't written since Halloween, it feels like another lifetime. I just returned from Wind River today. Both my in-laws died last week when a woman talking on a cell phone ran a stop sign and broad sided them. They were 51 and 52. I always got along extremely well with mother in law. I was 18 when I joined their family. She was a vibrant woman who always had encoraging words for whoever needed to be listened to.
Last spring, upon my learning that I had got accepted into UC Berkeley, I was distressed know that most relatives and community members were annoyed with my "quest for knowledge" (why can't you be satisfied with your Bachelor's? Why not take correspondence courses? California!? but Laura your a native woman, what good is a degree from Berkeley going to do for you? AND my favorite......... Why did you choose UC Berkeley? Why not University of Wyoming?)
My mother in law stopped by the house and I guiltily whispered my "sin" and that only my husband knew because I wasn't ready for the war zone. Her reply? F*** them, you go for it, it's your opportunity, Don't let people pull you down. That's the kind of woman I hope my daughter grows up to be, my girl is named after her grandmother.
So I have major catching up to do. At times I feel utterly overwhelmed. I am past the point of wondering how much more I can take and still stand strong as a Berkeley Student.
I look at class mates and think,"how many of you have been left by your spouse, then harassed by the same spouse because you refused to be in a bad situation, had your children used as bait to get you to give up Berkeley and when you didn't, they were told that school was more important them them (it's not true) Then trying to focus long enough to get your assignment done, all the while your wondering when your ability to concentrate is going to kick in. You remember being ultra competitive in undergrad. Then right when you think "okay this is crazy but I'm doing it". Classes, internship, assistantship. People up and die. This is definitely not on the agenda, not part of the plan. As I play out the scenario in my head I wonder how many hands would be raised?
But..........
I'm am still here. I will be here until I finish what I set out to do. There is nothing easy about it. I'm still getting parking tickets (smiling) I appealed but they got denied, so I have to take it to the next level and get awareness and politics churning. I was not put on crutches just to look good. You never know, you might see me tied to a handicap parking sign! LOL, I need to get a hold of Justin Dart, he is the guru of Disability Rights, we go way back, aye.
I froze in Wyoming and the air was too clean, I had to wear sunglasses the whole time I was there, just so I could see. :) It was fun driving in the little towns, I'd hit 45 and look at the ghost white faces of my passengers before I realized I WAS NOT in Cali.
I did get to take pictures of friends while I was there. I missed the Bay Area though. I feed off the energy in the air. There is always something to go see or do.
There has been many, many deaths on my reservation recently. As a people, all of us, EVERYONE must reach out to one another. Say hi to a stranger, it's not a native issue, or a non-native issue. It's a HUMAN issue. Celebrate the day. I'm serious. If you have anger, let it go. Bad energy only attracts more bad energy.
I tell you all this only because it has to start with each of us. Every single person I know has dreams, unfulfilled goals. And I also know that you each have the strength inside of you to make it happen. You do. all you have to do is have the COURAGE to find your own strength (that's my trademark peeps)
Just imagine what could happen............. A little girl who grew up so improvished that she thankful when there was heat in the house. A 3 year old child who the doctor's refused to operate on because she would never be more then a vegetable. A young girl who was cherished by her family and extended members who constantly voiced their belief in her.A culture that embraced disability instead of turning away from it.
Well I am starting to feel like Dr. King "I have a Dream". Have a great day and for you sweat hogs,I'm right there with you.
Eagle Pride,
Arapahoflag_woman
From: "Laura L Monroe" <llmonroeucb@hotmail.com>
Date: Wed, 07 Nov 2001 01:23:35 -0800
Subject: Lost in CAlif: Sept 2001 #3 ?
Good morning everyone,
I hope that you are all well. The attacks on our country is very sad and scary. The San Francisco schools are all closed, as well as major banks and corporations. The bridges are being watched but I think they're open. I am sitting in Haviland Hall (School of Social Welfare) in the computer lab. My class doesn't start for a while and I am setting up my work schedule. I have changed my assistantship a little. I am now a research assistant to the Native American Studies, Librarian. His name is John Berry. He is a choctaw from Okla. This position gives me more flexibility in my schedule. In addition, it's a great opportunity to learn about native American resources. I will be researching tribes, legislation, policy. So I will be a walking encyclopedia when it comes to native issues.
I have been way tired. Trying to get in the mind set of graduate student. Which means I have no control and no money. LOL, for reals, I am so broke. Here i am at an elite school, and barely getting by. At least Im losing weight. Man my calfs were sore last week, I swear I walked all over the city of Berkeley. This week is better, I am not dogging it (smiling).
We went to the ocean last friday. It was the first time for the boys. They loved it, it was fun watching them. Two rez kids trying to beat the waves. My girl isnt too sure what to make of it. She is like me, not quite trusting of the unknown. Chris and Josh were both drenched on the way back home.
We also went to the Golden Gate Bridge again. It was Michaels first time. I absolutely love it there, as u all know. My classes are good, long (2 hours) They really make a person think. I have to remember that theory and research are the foundation for Berkeley, I lost a little competitive edge, I think. But I will get it back. Definently.
I have been homesick, God already. I miss my dad and my brothers. I feel completely lost at times (it doesnt help that I get lost a lot).2.years feels like forever, right now.
Melissa Etheridge is going to be in concert here. But I am still working on getting tickets for Janet Jackson. What a way to celebrate my birthday huh?
Well I haven't found a good sweat. I don't want any new age, portable lodge, lol. Maybe I'll come home sometime. Wasn't planning on going back at all until I finished but I'm human I guess. My boys are convinced I ruined their lives, Chris is taking French ( I love it!) Michael is adjusting, reluctantly. I told him to get out and find some guitarists. I am just trying to assimilate, I guess. Well write later
Love and friendship,
Laura Lee
From: "Laura L Monroe" <llmonroeucb@hotmail.com>
Date: Wed, 31 Oct 2001 15:13:03 -0800
Subject: Arapaho woman at Berkeley- 10/31/01
Good Morning all my ba's,
Actually it's noon but I feel like I just came alive. It's getting real now. Only 6 more weeks left of the semester. My denial phase (A 12 page paper? It shouldn't be too hard, I have wrote grants for thousands of dollars, 12 pages will be relatively easy) has given away to the "Oh God help me" phase. The other night, what I thought would be a 3 hour paper or 4 at the most, took me NINE hours to complete. It was a case analysis, I had to create a eco-map and a geno-gram. (flow charts of family structure). I never knew how to make circles, shapes and arrows on the computer before. I learned. It took me forever, but it was either that or what I call a skin version, and I don't think diversity would have been truly appreciated in this situation .
We had out first "winterness" the other night, it rained. It was cold though. Down to 65, (laughing) this is too cool….. I'm feeling for you Wyoming peeps. (really!) Besides these Cali people cant drive in the rain. On the radio it said there were 350 reported accidents the morning after the rain. When I'm on the freeway between Oakland and Berkeley, I go through a little ceremony before leaving, I strap myself in, turn on my headlights. And pray for about a good five minutes that my little tin can doesn't get smashed. It already has battle scars from rez dogs and a white tail that I had a tag for. I finish with an AIM declaration. Red Power! (in my case it's more like duct tape power) And off I go, lol . I need a bumper sticker that says, give me a brake, I'm from Wyoming.
Last night I went to a play, called "Car Man" A classmate had purchased tickets for a few of us. We had no idea of what it was. (smiling) It was okay. A musical, the term "Auto Erotic" should've clued me in! I drank my water bottle up fast! That was my enrichment activity I guess. LOL I was the only one in the entire theater that said" oh my God"
Anyway, "Arapaho woman at Berkeley" will be getting more introspective. So hang tough with me. Oh yeah, I went to the Native American Health Center in Oakland, trying to get into counseling. (that's a whole drama in itself) anyway, they told me to go up to the 4 floor. I got in the elevator, pushed the button and ……nothing. So I pushed again, same thing nothing. Then an Asian guy got on and I told him the door wouldn't close so guess what he did? He pushed the button.  Humans are funny. So I started yelling, "hey your door won't shut" The guy looked scared. This lady came over and pushed the button. I said, "I guess this is an Indian clinic, you guys even have a skin elevator" She got kind of huffy. I was just playing. So the Guy pulled the door shut and up we went.
It has been hard without my kids. I'm used to chaos. I am trying to get divorced. Hopefully We will do joint custody and my kids will be back out here this summer after Sundance,. I have really struggled with the direction that my life should be taking. I believe that I am right where I am supposed to be at this point in my life. Had I known that I would not have my kids with me or that I would be on my own so to speak, at Cal . My choices may have been much different. I have told a few of you bout how I got dogged out by my spouse, It's crazy cuz other native students were asking bout my husband and kids and I told them what happened, and a couple were like, "that happened to me too" Now I'm thinking we could have "dogged out spouses at Berkeley Anonymous" DOA- Dogged Out Anonymous. (Laughing) This other student and I are running for the biggest dog out award, I thought it was gonna be an easy win, but turns out that it's happened twice to him.
I really enjoy the bay area. People are helpful. They'll ask me if I need help like if I'm trying to close my car door . They acknowledge one another, which is way cool. One evening I was driving home and this red car was next to me. I noticed the driver was wearing a turban, knowing how stupid people who think they're smart are treating people, I waved. A look of complete surprise came over his face, he didn't look as tired and he smiled real big and waved back. Such a small act on my behalf.
Hey any of you hear of a "bootlegged" version of a movie? Co-workers were talking about movies they had seen, They said they seen the bootlegged version but they couldn't hear it too well. I was informed that people will go to a movie, camcord it and sell it on the streets. But when you watch it, people may be blocking the view or laughing in the crowd. I was like DAYUM. I thought only skins were that creative.
Well my battle with parking and transportation continues. Got another ticket, my 3rd cause I parked next to Handcappied parking in the no parking zone cause there were only 2 HC parking spots and both were taken. I guess only 2 people with disabilities are supposed to be in school of social welfare and public health. I parked in the forbidden zone cause I have blisters from walking (the price of ambition, aye)
I am enclosing a pic for u all. It is my first picture with classmates. I'm the one in the middle. Well I'll close here, u all will be complaining, I wrote a book. Pray for me as crunch time begins. I plan to have all papers and project done by Thanksgiving. Until next time, Happy birthday!!!!!!!!
Arapahoflag_woman
From: "Laura L Monroe" <llmonroeucb@hotmail.com>
Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2001 00:18:57 -0700
Subject: Arapaho woman finds more then she was looking for
Hello all my ba's,
I know I haven't written in a while. But I do think of you all often, when I am overwhelmed with the demands of grad school and when I have met new people at a pow wow or other event. Many people I have contact with know that I have this "Bezerkly Experience" Email list. I feel the need to say that this baby email project has grown quite rapidly. I don't know how technically knowledgable I am, but there are a couple peeps who actually understand cyberspace. So sometime in the future, The "Arapaho at Berkeley" will be a web page, with pictures. Cool aye?
Speaking of pictures, I sure wish I'd carry a camera with me. But before I tell you about those learning experiences.........(huh hum)
I need to say I HAVE FINISHED my last mid-term exam(yes!). Oh you were wondering why my pupils are fixed and dilated? What, WHERE did you say I am?! Excuse me Professor, there's been a mistake..... see Um aliens kidnapped me and entered my body. and um...They MADE me do things! and here I was just minding my own affairs and next thing you know, i am given a pendleton coat by the Tribal college for getting accepted at UC Berkeley. And now I have to finish. Do you know what a pendleton coat is worth?
Oh sorry friends, having a little Post Traumatic Stress there. It is already mid-term week, we register for spring semester next week! I am just now getting kind of acclimated, (If you rode with me, my driving would give you cardiac arrest)I can't help but smile when I think of driving like that in Wyoming, lol.
Tommorrow is my first day of my internship. I am going to be working in the capacity of social worker. God help me, cuz I never could stand social workers. (IF this offends you, you must be a social worker, lol).
I am way excited. I will be working at the Urban Indian Child Resource Center (CRC) in Oakland. The agency is community- based. I will be working with American Indian children that are in the foster care system. I also will be facilitating a support group. I pray that there is no that behaves like I did when I tried out support groups. My friend and I got the boot once. Well our heart was in the right place. LOL!
I am still being ninja with my little rez beast. Earlier this evening, a classmate offered to pull my car up close to the building. She knows that it is quite a distance to the parking lot. Not to mention that the handicap parking places are the farthest from the building. There's a close space with a sign that reads "reserved for slavic language" which tells me who has the priority on campus, "oh you walk with crutches? well see that space way over there? Oh we must take care of that tongue, here you go....
Anyway she managed to drive it up, some UC plant facility person was yelling, "You can't drive over there, I am going to put up the poles to block you in" She was trying to explain the situation and was frazzled. I told her to forget about him, that the people who spend time putting up barriers have never been in a wheelchair, on crutches or had to painstakingly continue the trek to where they were going, one slow deliberate step at a time.
So I defiantly walk by him on my crutches while he is hell bent on blocking me in. I wait for him to make eye contact. He doesn't. As I climb in my car, I can't believe how petty the facilities and parking people are, I mean they park right next to where they need to be. I have yet to see one that is in a wheelchair or on crutches.
I do a u turn and bounce down the path, resigned to the fact that next week there will be more poles (Metal barriers) to keep out my little rez ride. In cities, pedestrians rule the road, they don't even bother to see if you're going to stop. I would sure love to see them do that in wyoming! All the parking and transportation people should have to spend one day in a wheelchair or on crutches with a cast on one leg and a 10 pound book bag. So Berkeley is made for pedestrians, if you have trouble pedestrianiting, God help you, cause no one else will!
Now that I vented. I need to add that the School of Social Welfare, in which I am a student of, has taken the initiative to locate funding for an electrical scooter for me. So that's way cool. I plan on hitting all the zoo's with it. :)Just goes to show that there are social workers who are human. This is a complete revelation to me.
The events I share with you is by no means extra-ordinary. I only talk of them because this stuff is too good to push under the rug. I mean students pay thousands of dollars to attend school. Not counting rent. Mine is $1123 per month for a 2 bedroom apt. Which is considered cheap. Then we pay another hundred something for a parking permit which should be renamed a "Hunting tag". Wyoming has highly valued game. California has parking spots.........LOL.
Anyway, I went to another urban powwow last saturday. It was in Berkeley, at the park of course. This time, I wasn't as giddy, but I thanked God for making me native, as I walked toward the arbor. I could hear the singing and drumming. And I remembered when I was attending Montana State and went to the annual MSUB powwow having the same feeling of thankfulness that I was a part of this culture.
My friend who is in the Ph.D program bought me an Indian taco. I was in frybread heaven aye. Oh yeah I went turtle crazy. I was trying to buy some native jewelry cause Everyone thinks I'm Latina. Then get mad when I say, "No habla espanol" It's like, Well! where do you get off not being latina? So I am ecstatic to report that my little turtles have reproduced.:):):):):):):)
Oh yeah, Sunday, I went to the earth dance up by Santa Rosa. Check it out at http://www.earthdance.org/sf/
It was a 3 day event but sunday was the only day I was interested in. There was an all day benefit concert for Leonard Peltier. I really wanted to go but was nervous also. So I finally decided that I had the opportunity so I may as well go. I hate living my life based on fear. A good friend once said, all fear stands for is False Evidence Appearing as Reality and it is soooooooooo true. I mean sometimes I walk up or down stairs rather then go half a block to the handicap accessible entrance. Am I scared of falling and breaking my face? Hell yes lol. Is that going to make me go out of my way because of what I fear. I don't think so. Not in this lifetime anyway.
So I dress casual but nice. Blue Jeans and a very white long sleeve shirt. I finally get there after many curves and no gnomes :(I pay $35 (I know)and a neon band is slapped on my wrist. I am instructed to follow the dirt "road" As I pull up, I am utterly amazed. This is woodstock, mardi gras and the hippie era all combined in one. The is no solid ground, just red dust everywhere............ covering the cars literally. I look down at my white shirt, feeling like an ndn that took a wrong turn. As I begin walking down the field. There is people all around me. In tie dye shirts, and other garments that leave little to the imagination. Just as Im convincing myself that Im ok, a guy with a golf cart-looking mobile, pulls up says I'll take u where ever u are going, and next thing I know we are flying past the colorful booths, People in animal costumes (freaks we love you! my driver yells) I introduce myself and he says, "My name is weird" and I say what is your real name? He says "its weird". I say "whatever weird". He drives me right up close to the stage (It's all outside) Next he lifts me down and pulls up a chair that had been sitting there waiting for Laura Lee.
He says He'll be back later to check on me and drives away. The band, is going, people are not just dancing, they are putting their heart soul and body into it. Other are sitting on colorful wraps, that they tie around their waist when walking. It was so hot, up in the high 80's at least. I look around and there's this guy walking with a water hose spraying people while they play like kids running through the hose. To make a long story shorter, I ended up soaking wet. (That's all I'm saying) The bands were all playing for native american rights, and advocating for Leonard Peltier. A couple of native ladies spoke, it was very moving. Oh yes there were aztec dancers. Their customs were just huge. The organizers passed out bottled water and watermelon. I was hesitant at first to eat the fruit. But remembered that they didn't allow any drugs or alcohol. So I munched away. After that I hailed a ride (aye) to the Peltier booth. I wanted a t-shirt. Told the driver I would wait there while he transported flags. (I learned that not knowing can be a good thing)
So I sat down at the booth and impersonated a vendor," that's shirt goes with your eyes, have u read this book? It is soooooo good." I must have done okay cuz people were really asking me questions about Leonard Peltier. LOL.
It's amazing what kind of things you can come across just by observing. Most of the NDN bands were hanging out at that booth. So I talked to them. The strong women I had listened to earlier were sitting in the booth. AND David Carridine was hanging out there too with his guitar on his back. I shook his hand :) The people im the booth gave me a pop. (NDNS are ndn no matter what) When I was ready to go back to my car, I saw Weird, the driver, So I was really yelling, "weird, hey weird" everyone was saying, why u calling that guy weird? LOL IT was crazy!He took me safely back to my rez rider.
When Im 85 years old, I'll still remember people dancing for peace in the middle of nowhere.
Sometimes I wonder where do natives belong? If we follow our ambitions we sacrifice so much. If we comply to the stereotypes handed to us, we sacrifice our soul. One thing we all agree on, (students) is it's hard being native. But then, what's who we are. I remember when I flunked out of community college on my first attempt. I internalized that feeling of being a loser, I actually had recurring nightmares. Knowing what I know now, I can't believe how college faculty can set students up like that. That should be a legalized crime, we could call it, "falsifying a caring attitude". Punishment could be, sentenced to watch every humiliating experience you ever had over and over for not less then the time it takes to get those alphabets behind your name.(BANG! the prison cell slams shut)
Ummmmmmm, I think I better close here, lol.
With love, friendship and blue peanut M&M's
Laura Lee
You can see that I manage to get my fun in
From: "Laura L Monroe" <llmonroeucb@hotmail.com>
Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2001 00:14:32 -0700
Subject: This Arapaho woman hanging tough
good morning friends,
It's 5:45 AM here. I have been way busy. As I share EVERYTHING with all you. I will tell you that Mike and I have separated. He was frustrated and loaded up the kids and headed back to Wind River. I will give you His email for those who want to stay connected. I have no bitterness toward him. We are working on a joint custody arrangement. I wish him the best.
Having told you all that, please don't say your sorry. Life is all about growth and change and acceptance. I can't begin to describe how busy I've been. I have 3 classes that start at 8:00 am. I'm always late..... Its so hard to get out the door.
I have been fighting with the parking office. There is like very little handicapped parking. So at times I park in a non-marked space. Then I get ticketed. Yesterday I appealed a ticket. I had parked close to the library where I work. There is only one H-capped space there, it was taken. The other hcapped spaces are a long distance from where I needed to go. So I parked in a little alcove out the way (if my car were any smaller, you couldn't see it. Yes im still driving the Diahatsu, no Im not still trying the door shut witha bungee cord)I wrote a note explaining the situation and said please do not ticket me,even left my cell number. My mistake was thinking they were human.
So I appealed my $28 fine. I told them, what am I supposed to do? I paid $110 for a parking permit and there's no parking. They said that's no excuse. Trying to not get a bigger fine, but frustrated, I replied Im not making an excuse. I'm just saying what should I do? She replied, oh, I didn't say you were making an excuse. I just counted to myself. it was dismissed. I got another ticket yesterday afternoon.(laughing at the Irony)
Maybe it's just me, but I thought Berkeley is the heartbeat of progressive movement. Which reminds me, determined to buy a Cal t'shirt, (those undergrads wear them like a banner) I went to a store right across from campus. once inside part of the store where my "I'm Bad" shirts were, was inaccessible. It had like 4 stairs. So I left, went to other places all the while thinking,"Why should I not be able to shop where I want?" So I returned, (You all know me) I politely asked if there was a ramp, the clerk said I'm sorry, so then I said,if people in wheelchairs not supposed to shop here? Do you not want my money, cause I use crutches? (that poor clerk) He said I just started. And I thought, so have I. :)
I tell him well I can go up steps but if I fall pick me up(he looks like he's going to be sick) So I make sure that I exaggerate the difficulty,(I want him to remember this)and I go up very unsteadily.Trying to convey how hard this is. So i get up to the top where only special people may enter, lol, look through the shirts, decide on a bright yellow one with blue lettering "BERKELEY", ask for assistance back down (they need the full experience)and leave with my prized possession.
I have ate in several outdoor cafes, they're nice if you like observing people. usually I get on the cell and call family. Went to sproul plaza, last week its like the center of what UCB stands for. There were all kinds of people, one guy was standing on a chair, holding a sign and saying "Japanese kill 5 million chinese and never apologize" he said it over and over and over. That's what I call dedicated.
They were having homecoming, so a lot of band music. I went to the UCB bookstore and browsed, they have all kinds of books you would not find anywhere in Wyoming ("what turn's him on, by a gay man", OKKKKKK) I ended up buying, ready for this? UC Berkeley m&m's. For reals. they're packaged by M&M company. Blue and Yellow.
I am planning on buying a class ring, have to save up the money. I have never bought anything like that so it should be cool. I tried on a size 4, (yes I was a ring size 4 at one time) and it was completely stuck. so there I was pulling like hell on my hand. Wishing I was in my best friends wedding movie,lol remember that scene? Right when the lady went to get soap I got it off. I'm a ring size 6.
Went to a powwow at San José, it was small and kind of cheesy but I was so happy to see skins,i kept introducing myself, "I'm Arapaho". Met a lot of cool peeps, they knew I wasn't Cali indian. A few of the UCB skins were there so it was all good. It was at a park, dancing on grass seemed strange to me. No hand games though, dang........ I bought a turtle necklace, of course. Drove back, thinking hey Im driving in six lanes of one way traffic and im not panicked.
Finally got my books, bought used. Got invited to an all day benefit concert for Leonard Peltier. lots of native bands and speakers I guess. David Carradine is gonna be there (Don't know much about him)it's 2 hours away so I haven't really committed to going but am thinking about it. You all should come out and go with me, aye.
My Birthday is the 9th, i wanted to see Janet Jackson but Think she is sold out,so probably go to the ocean, my favorite place. It has been way hot here. The other day was a "spare the air" day, meaning smog was way high. It should be called "spare my lungs" day, Ughhhh, my poor wyoming respiratory system............
Well friends have a good day, and call me sometime, my cell number is 510=847-2409. Leave a voice mail if I don't answer. don't go acting like a skin and hang up,lol
Love and friendship
Laura Lee
From: "Laura L Monroe" <llmonroeucb@hotmail.com>
Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2001 00:17:08 -0700
Subject: Poem - Reflections on Water
Hey all my ba's,
Thank you all for your neverending support and individual craziness. It really goes along way. I am forwarding a poem by John berry who is the Librian for Native American studies, at UCB. He is Choctaw from Oklahoma, Where he worked for OSU. AND HE is MY supervisor, I am his grad research assistant. It is way cool because I never dreamed I would have the opportunities that have opened to me. I thank the creator every time I walk across Sproul hall (where all the history of berkeley , civil rights happen)
As you know, I love the ocean. I have always wanted to be by the ocean and when I am sitting in the sand, hearing the crash of the waves and feeling the mist in the cold air. I feel at peace. Calmness envelopes me and I can physically see the creator at work.
So I share this poem out of love and friendship and say haho to helping me through this part of my journey.
Eagle pride,
Laura Lee aka Arapahoflag Woman
"Reflections on Water"
Sitting by water I look,
and see it move without effort,
around, over, under, through,
the bones of the earth.
Clear and pure it flows like the people's spirit,
like our stories told,
by the old people,
without seeming effort.
The stones resist patiently, sometimes angrily,
like other peoples who deal with us,
many colored and shaped and hardened,
smooth, rough, round, angular, all kinds.
The water covers them all,
it covers and moves the stones,
without effort or judgement,
enduring it moves mountains.
Finally, the water will win,
cleansing and purifying,
it's victory is final,
the stones disappear.
Moving without effort,
out spirit and stories will endure,
our victory in time, will be,
like water.
John Berry, Oklahoma, 1999
From: "Laura L Monroe" <llmonroeucb@hotmail.com>
Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2001 00:03:55 -0700
Subject: Lost indian in big city
good afternoon all my friends,
have a few moments to breath, so wanted to let you know im still alive. I get lost about 20 times a day, but i just plan an extra hour of commuting time :). Last night after trying unsuccessfully to get to a walmart, i stopped at a 7/11 to use the bathroom, I was planning on buying pop( u cant use the facilities unless u buy something) Anyways, I asked where the RR was, and was told there is no RR, Being a skin, I was in disbelief, I mean a 7/11 without a bathroom! So I said"Well if u dont have a rr, i'm not spending my money here, than I sat everything down and walked out, saying this place is a loser.
SO..............
I went across street, by this time, I really had to go so I ran in there saying," I'm a customer, where's your bathroom?" This bathroom king was real decent, he said, "you dont have to be a customer" By then I was outside, (all bathrooms are outside, haven't figured that one out yet) Well the bathroom was OCCUPIED. So I ran back in and told on whoever was in there, the king said "he has been in there for 2 hours" The king went out and spoke to the woman who was waiting patiently in her car for whoever was in the golden room.She came over, banged on the door, and said "the cops are coming if you don't come out" Well I was like, DAMN! I decided that I did not want to use that bathroom. I mean 2 hours?! So I ran back in and told the king I was just going to leave, he apoligized. I said U owe me one bathroom stop :)
I then made it back to my apartment, without getting lost (yes!)
Today Im trying to get my bearings, how did I end up here??? that's the question. I have a phone the # is (510)528-3776 So call me ok? It wont be on until tomorrow. Email me too. Im going to the Golden Gate Bridge after while :) Im cheesing it. U all have really been there for me and u better not leave. LOL
Pray for me.
Love Laura Lee
Good morning all my ba's,
Actually it's late sunday night. Earlier this evening I was cleaning my room and felt a strong need to procrastinate. So I said "Let's all go for a walk" (I'm getting into physically pushing myself as well as intelligently, we'll see how long that lasts)Well, upon returning we were locked out of the apartment. My cell phone was in the house; c'mon who keeps their cell phone physically on them 24/7? Well, YOU Guys need help. :) Just kidding. Bet you opt for the ring that vibrates.........LOL! So I went over to the only other family I know in this huge complex. A native family, they are very nice. You know skins, always there for one another. They let me run over and use their microwave to make popcorn. Anyway after many calls and a few hours we were back in my apartment.
My dad came to visit for a couple of days, It was real nice to see him. That's the cool thing, my dad and bro's all manage to be there for me some way.
The University is experiencing demostrations, in wake of 911. People for war, people anti-war, me Im jus, an arapaho trying like hell to get that MSW. I have been way busy. All first year students have to take 14 credits, which equals 14 hours per week, plus my internship will be 16 hours per week and my research assistantship is 10 hours a week. If we go to war and UCB closes I am going to be irate,(That's the nice word) I mean damn, it took me 33 years to get to this point in time.
I want to take the time to let you know that your support of my endeavor is the only thing that keeps me going at times. You all know how much getting a degree from UCB means to me and I thank you. Now having said that, send me a care package,(laughing, not really) Let's see I need some more sweet grass....
Oh yeah, you'll love this, Chris' 7th grade algebra is making me pump my neurons. It is tough. His school makes the kids work, Just because the parents attend UCB. I want to tell them, I'm in grad school not algebra. What are they thinking? We have seen some pretty crazy people here, or as Michaels says, "He's not quite on this planet, is he??"I think all of these experiences will help me to appreciate the rez more. Well, I need to get some zzz's so let me know how you are doing, and if there is anything more you want to know about. Oh yeah we went to oakland and drove right past the paramount arena where Melissa Etheridge was. Her name on the marquee. I was impressed.
Buffy St- marie is here this week but I don't know much about her.Im going to try to get digital pics going,No they may not be reproduced :). It is a learning process. Still haven't found a skin sweat but have some contacts to check out.
Eagle Pride, Friendship always,
Laura Lee